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Just a Boy & His Subaru

On a Journey to Find Themselves

Category Archives: The First Cut

The night can be so hazy with love still in the air. Love has that amazingly bitter sweet property of staining everything around it. If you think you’re getting rid of it, leave that nonsense at the door. Time does it’s magic, and the stains fade to an acceptable (maybe not even noticeable) level, but you can’t. Rush. A thing.

Remember that post I did awhile back, the one where I gave some examples of situations you spend NO time preparing for? Here’s another one for you: agreeing to stay in the apartment you’ve shared with you ex until the month is through.

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This week has been one hell of a ride.

Not the ride where you want off right away, either. It was the kind of ride that leaves you thirsty for more, and unable to remove yourself from the coaster seat. Then, just as I’m about to peel myself out of place and exit, I’ve been granted another go around.

Monday was my first day job hunting. Nothing about me was looking forward to how real it all would seem once I began actually plotting my leave. I used my list of favorite things, which, just as I’ve previously mentioned in past posts, was precisely what I needed. Later that day, I talked to my best friend, my sister and future roommate, and I was really amazed at how right making plans was feeling. Just days before, I was feeling useless and broken, like I shouldn’t have made so many big decisions at once and now, how will I deal with them?

But Monday. How often do people talk about loving Mondays? I’ll never forget this past Monday; it serves as the day I understood fully the good I was doing for myself.

Then, to sweeten the deal, I got a call yesterday and had an impromptu interview on the phone. It was great. I hate patting myself on the back too hard, but I was really impressed with my ability to switch to, “I’m so charming and well-spoken, you just have to love me!” mode. And it went well (I think)! We are set to have another phone interview this afternoon. He was even comfortable with the fact that I wasn’t in Denver yet, letting me know that they completely understand. Plus, they’re a small startup doing great things in the world of higher education. I’m all about being a part of something small and impactful.

Plus, my ex, whom I am still residing with until employment falls in line, has been staying out at night, leaving the apartment to me and my thoughts (plus whiskey, Dave and dancing alone). It’s given me time to enjoy the moment without feeling like we need to be speaking. Not that I don’t want to speak to him, but it seems as though it always leads to a conversation about us. And there just isn’t a reason to go there anymore.

I sleep through the night on occasion now when he is not home. At first, him not coming home would just liquify my insides. I was still so attached, and knowing that he was out enjoying himself without me was tough. Now that I’m detaching, and spending enough time away from him to understand that this is just who he is and there isn’t a thing I can do about it, I only feel better about the decision we’ve made.

Some how, I’m learning how to dance. I want to be realistic and understand that I still have to physically pack the car and drive away. I’m in touch enough with my emotions to understand that there are still bumps to come. What I’m finding recently, to my pleasant surprise, is that my overall excitement and desire to be happy are out-weighing the bad.

I’ll take it for now.

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There a few things I consistently keep in-stock in my life. No matter my mood, no matter the day, no matter the weather, I can’t fathom a reason to get out of bed if someone were to tell me I couldn’t have them.

  1. Good coffee. No sugar, just creamer. If it’s really good coffee, just black will do.
  2. Good whiskey. Preferably with ginger ale or ginger beer. Similar to 1, on the rocks if it’s really good whiskey.
  3. Dave Matthews. Not just because he is one smooth lyrical gangster, but because it is a love I share with the best people in my life. Every song carries a unique, completely weird, absolutely unforgettable memory of them.
  4. The best people in my life. Five of the most outstanding, inspiring, successful, loving, jaw-dropping-beautiful souls I’ve known since they were just girls. There are people I’ve met over the years that are also staples in my life, but these ladies are my foundation. It’s an understanding.
  5. Floss. On an OCD level. There’s no greater feeling than knowing your teeth are clean.

I bring this list of my bare necessities to the table because with everything that I’ve going on right now, these five things are keeping me upright. I would almost go as fas as saying these are the chemical compounds capable of mending a broken heart, but number four is essential.

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There are certain things in life that you don’t necessarily think could never happen to you, but they really don’t come up on your disaster-preparedness radar. These life events vary from person to person, and therefore their idealogical weight will depend on the presence (or lack there of), of certain factors. Put more eloquently, it all depends on how much shit you’ve been through already.

Some examples of these life events include, but are not limited to, getting hit by a drunk driver, becoming homeless, getting hit by a drunk driver for a second time, losing your job, losing the person you were planning on marrying, having to put your childhood dog to sleep, you get the idea. Any one of those is interchangeable, and some of them may never apply to you, these are just my life events.

And each of those, in my overly-sensitive opinion, is enough to deal with on their own. Like I said, these are events you don’t really plan for, so it really would only be fair if you had some time to sort it out and handle it in the most appropriate way possible.

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In less that two months, I’ve lost my job and my partner of three years. Our apartment, our cat and our routines are just a few of the things I have to say goodbye to. I’m not good at goodbye, so I thought this might be a good way to face my demons. Did I mention I’d put effort into building the last three years of my life?

In less than a month, I’m packing all of my belongings in my 2007 Subaru Outback and hitting the road. Where? I haven’t quite figured that out yet, but I know that it will come when I get in the car (or at least that’s what my friends are telling me). Though, likely, my end destination will be Denver, CO, my stops will include St. Louis, Chicago, Iowa City, Columbus, New York (in no particular order).

It’s going to be a raw, emotional journey.

Love is stronger than any drug, hell, it is one.

There will be tears, selfies (happy & sad), terrible impressions, random feelings; the equivalent of hormone replacement therapy, I gather.

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